UTG readers (I thank you both) may identify with my journey out of the box. I’ve thought as deeply as I can about the implications of how most of the Christians I know choose to live out their Christianity.
I am on a journey out of pain. I didn’t want to become what I saw in some of the leaders around me. I left the church I grew up in and for a long time did little to connect with my church family there. I couldn’t believe that we had put up with the kind of nonsense that went on and I held the whole bunch partly to blame.
In the few years since my departure I joined another church and while it was a season of healing in some ways the pressure of vocational ministry almost did me in. I was bleeding all over the place. I was broken, bitter, angry, hurt. And then my wife and I took this leap. We decided to head out and start a new life, a new career, and basically see what happened.
I have enjoyed reading some of your stories. You’ve wrestled with God, thought and prayed about your future in the kingdom of God, and endeavored to carve a new life out of the rubble of churchianity. I have prayed with you and dreamed longingly of what living in the kingdom could look like.
At the same time I’ve continued to attend the church where I’m the custodian. Perhaps I haven’t gone far enough and the guilt I feel comes from others’ expectations of me and my spirituality. I don’t want to “go to church anymore” because I know what they do to you there. Particularly if you’re friendly, gifted, and you’ve been a pastor. They wonder what you’re ministry will be in their church. “Will you sing in choir? Can you lead music once a week? You are such a blessing to us.” All the while I’m on the defensive.
I get the feeling I know what they’re after. They want my butt in the chair on Sunday morning and they want to involve me in the ministry. You know the routine. It used to be something I longed to do. I had dreams of ministering as a young man. And then the reality of local church life hit me like gale-force winds and I wanted out. It took me a long time to get out but I did. And I’m still trapped.
I’ve hit a wall. I can’t see past the end of my own nose. We’ve never fully pulled the plug on the Sunday church model. I got out of my pastoral obligations and that burden began to melt away. That was a refreshing season of life. I was hired as the custodian at a church near my school and it has largely been a blessing. I’ve enjoyed the people and the work has been a welcome change: fixing, painting, weeding, bidding, etc.
But I haven’t been to the Sunday meeting in a couple of months because I don’t think I can take it anymore. In my idealization I expected to discover something organic and real. A few people who love Jesus–have a minimal bunch of hang-ups–and want to live out the Christ life together. As it is I find myself in the pastor’s office explaining why I haven’t been to church. It’s like a disease. I can’t shake it. The pastor is always there telling me how important going to church is and my dream of this simple Christ life dissolves in the horizon like a mirage.
I can’t bring myself to give in to the system. But at the same time I hear the Scriptures saying, “Submit yourselves to one another out of reverence for Christ.” I’m so stubborn and idealistic and sinful.
Maybe you’ve been through this before. Maybe your struggle mirrors my own. I guess I needed to vent. Bless you my friends.
I understand every word, Jeff. Really. Can’t quite bring myself to submit to the system again, even when I found a healthier place to go.
Jeff,
I understand what you are describing, the nagging doubt that there is something wrong with us which is the reason we don’t fit.
To be honest, I don’t know what the outcome will be. Will we discover the label of stubborn and idealistic is true? Or will we discover confidence in the dream that led us away from the box?
Personally, I have adopted the term anomaly in thinking about myself. It feels better than misfit.
Erin – Thank you for your understanding. I didn’t anticipate the alone-ness this has brought.
Grace – Anomaly. I like that. I do want to authentically follow the leading of the Spirit as I see it (in a humble subjective sort of way) while at the same time honoring those who truly belong to the kingdom. It feels like a tight-rope sometimes. Thanks.
jeff, i stumbled upon your blog through Kingdom Grace, whose blog I stumbled upon through Post Carismatic whose blog I stumbled upon through a guy who used to be a part of the ministry i worked for and was a part of for many years. if i was really internet savvy, i would have links to those blogs for you, but, uh…i dunno how. anyway, a longish intro to basically say this: in that ministry i would now tell people to run from (for the most part) i was a missionary, church planter (failed), thought people really wanted to live their faith. now i hate church. after coming back from overseas about 18 months ago, i only went to church a handful of times the first 10 months and most of those times were after being asked (badgered) by my mom (i’m not mad at her for this, i know she is concerned about me and in her paradigm, i need to be in church). the church that my family attends has over 1,000-ish people at every service. quite intmidating when you’ve just gone four years with a small handful of people and when the space you meet in wouldn’t even handle more than 20-ish people. i felt totally disconnected. anyway, about 8 months ago i found a smaller church that is closer to where i live and they have a decent young adults ministry. anyway, i’ve gone to church more and have meet some nice people and all, but last sunday, it was still there. i hate church. i decided it was time to take a break from it again. still build the relationships i have there, but not go to sunday service. we’ll see how that goes.
sorry for this random spilling of my guts, but there are only a small handful of people i can converse with about this IRL and they are all hundreds of miles away. also, i have not quite gotten the guts to start posting about these things on my own blog. maybe i should though.
Davida… thank you so much for sharing your story. Its funny but life can be so lonely sometimes. Even in a crowd. That’s how I’m feeling right now. But I appreciate the little sense of connectedness that I get here in cyberspace.
The difficulty for me today is that the word “church” appears to have become highly abused. Take the phrase “go to church.” Wayne Jacobsen (over at Lifestream – there’s a link in my blogroll I think) says he could no more go to church than he could go to himself. Because church is what he is. It is certainly what I am, though I’m sure I could be relating to the body better… whatever that means.
I guess I’m trying to say I don’t hate church… the bride of Christ but I’m sure uncomfortable with how she behaves right now. I long for those simple connections that define what the church really is, unfortunately unless you swallow the church-as-a-Sunday-deal paradigm you’re kinda hosed in a lot of circles.
I’m trying to remember that life is a journey. I don’t have to climb Everest in a day.
Thanks again for sharing your story. Peace to you.
jeff, thank you for letting my share a bit of my story here.
and really, it is a love-hate relationship that i have with ‘church’. hehe
Jeff, Since you mentioned Lifestream, have you read So You Don’t Want to go to Church Anymore by Wayne? This book was instrumental in my life as I walked out of the Institutional Church. I had no choice on whether to leave or not but it helped me in the guilt and craziness I would have felt in the aftermath.
Blessings
Davida – Stories are welcome and I relate to the love-hate thing. Blessings!
Barb – No, I haven’t read that one yet, but I would like to. I think it might help get me off the obligation/religion hook. Peace to you.
By all means read it quickly. You will not believe the freedom that you will feel and the questions that it will answer. You can download it for free at lifestream.com on the side tab under Jakes story.